I should have written this before, so – sorry for that.  In February 2019, a bit after my last post at six months without my darling Sadie, we began to be able to think about another pup in our lives.  To be honest, I think that Sadie was nudging me.  I resisted and so did my husband.  How could I think of another dog in a bed next to me, etc.

BUT I found myself scanning for rescue dogs online.  I found that there was a neat site sponsored by Petco-a rescue foundation that showed dogs that were available from small rescues around my area and really anywhere.  If you were interested in meeting the dog, you had to fill out an application and be approved first, then you could make an appointment to visit.  I looked for border collies and BC mixes.  We were mostly approved and one did not approve us-no yard.  I get it.  I am glad that they are picky for these darlings.  I was set to visit one dog the next weekend about an hour away from us-and had even arranged to pick up a dog wheelchair that someone was donating that happened to be in my area to take to the rescue.  I checked my email the morning before I was leaving to see the BC puppy-and there was a DOG that pulled my heart.  She looked very much like Sadie.  DANGER.  But I still looked.  I saw that a private rescue minutes from me had listed her just that morning.  I immediately filled out the application and prepared to wait the days that I usually had to wait.  POP came back a reply, asking me when I wanted to meet her.  I said TODAY? and that is what happened.  I met her.  Sweet Kiana.  Her story was simple:  her owner had lost his home -the Thomas Fires?-and had left her with friends, who had a small place and 3 big dogs already.  After 8 weeks, her owner still had not been able to stabilize his life and apparently let the friends place an ad for her rescue.  And I saw the ad.  Another woman wanted her but was determined to make her an agility champ-and the foster family just didn’t think that was a good fit.  They were so kind.  They allowed me to actually take her to meet my husband at our office.  He fell in love immediately and she did as well.  BUT there was a final test–what would the cats think?  They loved Sadie so.  We drove home and let her meet the gang.  She was very interested and friendly, and then there was a bump and a hiss and a bark–that was OK.  She learned that boundaries were in place for big black dogs with these kitties.  I called Tim.  We said yes.  I called the foster couple, and they said they would call me back.  In about an hour, we got the OK to keep her–and we began the joyous time of collecting once again dog gear and food and and and.  And yes, I still drove with the dog wheelchair the next day, and saw a sweet BC puppy that I could have adopted- but came home to KK.  She was so joyous and sweet-and still is.  She plays hard hard hard with other dogs-wrestles and wriggles and growls and leaps and dances and chews other dogs’ collars–which I had never experienced before with my BCs.   I found out that she was exhibiting dog behavior-but I had not experienced that before with my work ethic dogs.  This girl PLAAAYED.  I was insecure and apologetic for her at dog parks and became an easy target for the dog park bullies–owners, not dogs.    KK LOVES to play with other dogs and to run like I have never seen-in large sweeping arcs, fast fast fast, gathering other dogs in her wake and effortlessly creating a final massive tidal wave of dogs hurling themselves at the clump of critical masses of owners standing around the park.  Yes, we were a problem at the dog parks-but I think we were the fun ones.  But the judgy judgersons won out and we decided that dog parks were not our cup of tea.  I kinda hate that.  She so wants to play with every dog we meet on walks, and figure out who is BOSS.  I miss that-but where I am, the dog parks are pretty prissy and it just never ends well.  Not with the dogs-it is the owners. We returned to dog obedience classes and practiced training.  She was a star pupil but oh that impudence.   I was used to immediate obedience with my BCs.   My daughter says that Maggie, Keiligh and Sadie were never like I think they were.  I don’t know.  I think they were perfect.

She is KK.  We had to change her name, because I could not for the life of me pronounce her name properly especially when I needed to, as in  “Kiana, COME.” We did not want yet another change for her, so we sat with friends to look for a name beginning with a K sound.  At the end of the evening, it was KK.

The danger with a new rescue pup that looks like the love of your life who is no longer there is this–you actually expect the newbie to be your older darling unconsciously– unfair.  I found that I expected to take walks with my earphones in and my music flooding my head and heart and my pup easily dancing at my side.  In other words, Sadie.  Nope that was not the case, and should not have been the case.  I had to work through that.

You have to cut yourself slack-and I don’t do that well.  I found that I would experience an anger rising in me now and again–which calls for absolute honesty and examination.  It was my grief and loneliness still for my Sadie.  I had this wonderful lovely lively very strong big determined ADD inflected and- did I say big?- dog at my side, pulling me and not listening and tripping me with her dartings about after a subtle scent and sound–and it was not my Sadie.  I would feel anger that had nothing to do with her antics and my inability to get it together.  I missed Sadie and somehow I think I thought that I had her back again and all would be well.

But Sadie sent her to us.  I absolutely know that.  I actually sense that Sadie -and Maggs and Keiligh- are around and watching me with KK.  I find myself asking Sadie for advice, for help, to be a really good mom to KK.  I have to be.  KK deserves such love and care.  I read the books that demand patience and predictability and positive reinforcement–and I get bummed.  Oh I am not good at any of the above so often.

She is not Sadie.  The books say look at the nature of your rescue and understand.  SO-here:  she is not all border collie at all-the intensity and focus and instant response.  No.  She is part Lab retriever and I suspect a hunter-hound is in there as well.  She is far more relaxed and easy going and puppyish, though she is certainly not a puppy any longer.  She is uber prey driven–I can’t completely trust her off leash, if there is any chance of a bird or a bunny or anything calling to her.   No, she is not Sadie, nor Maggie nor Keiligh.  She uses her hands in a way that is a bit shocking.  She lies down on the bed next to you and puts her arms around you to sleep.  And BOY does she have big paws.  She pounces like a cat and absolutely bounces at you.  I am reminded of a bit of something from “The House at Pooh Corner” by AA Milne, wherein Tigger BOUNCED Eeyore in the river.  That is KK.  She bounces you.  I am 64 and very active but I have to get used to a life of bouncing.

Well, you say, you should have her under control and she should be..blahdiblah blah blah.  Yes.  Exactly.  Precisely.  I should.  But there is something there that is my lesson.  Life can be a bit more bouncy, if needed.  And really, why not?  As long as she is not injuring me or endangering herself or annoying others-why can’t she be bouncy?  I tend to get exacting and intense.  KK is an antidone.  It can’t be done with her.   Perhaps that is the beauty here.

Sadie sent her to me, knowing me and knowing KK perfectly.  I have not a sliver of doubt about that.  I walked the beaches for months after Sadie died, just talking to her.  I had asked her several times to send a pup that we needed and that needed us at exactly the right time–and there appeared KK.  Yep, Sadie sent her, in consultation with her BC pack leader Maggie and her bud Keiligh–and that is that.

I still miss Sadie and still cry when I think how stupid I was not to see how ill she was, regretting how her going to sleep went, wishing I had stayed longer to hold her after she had gone, wishing wishing so much.  It is terrible the sins we accumulate when we review the time gone from our absent darlings.   I know that there is a balance there, but I have never been great with balance and I sure am in the deep end these days–no luxury of touching the bottom for security.  I just don’t want to miss the sweet moments with KK, weeping for the lost moments with Sadie.

I heard someone say that humans cannot abide uncertainty, and that these times now demand from us that we live in absolute uncertainty.  Here’s the thing-nothing is certain.  We are not promised any tomorrows, with or without those that we love madly.  I remember trying to understand what it means to be present during walks with Sadie.  I got to the place where I would narrate my life right then, to be present.  “I am walking right now with my Sadie in the sunshine, feeling a breeze on my face and seeing the seagulls in the sky.”  etc.

I don’t know if that is it, but I can’t figure out any other calculation.  So I am with my KK right now, and enjoying the bouncy life and remembering my darlings Sadie-and Maggie and Keiligh, for all of my days.

I will keep you posted.

Hard.  Still.  In tears again at least once a day.  I wonder why I am so tender to the touch about Sadie now, when I wasn’t as much a week ago?  I wonder if there is a cosmic anniversary that I don’t see, for Sadie and me.

Did I tell you about my dream?  I don’t remember if I did.  It was odd because I was not in it at all.  My older dogs-and Sadie’s best friends who passed in 2010 (Maggie) and    2014 (Keiligh)- were standing in front of the door to the Animal Hospital where Sadie passed, and it was that day.  They were talking to each other-not like a cartoon or even audibly, but I could hear them–

Maggie:  we have to go in and get her.

Keiligh:  I’m not going in there!  (she hated hated the animal hospital).

Maggie:  but we have to.

Keiligh:  no, let’s just wait for her to pop up in the sky, and we’ll get her then.

Maggie:  OK.

And in a minute, up she flies.

Maggie:  hey, wait up!

Sadie:  NO WAY!  I’m running!!!!

Maggie to Keiligh:  you know, she always did that. (racing ahead of Maggie and Keiligh).

And that was my dream.  I had been concerned that Maggie and Keiligh would not be there to guide her to her new home with them, because we made the decision-I know, it makes no sense, but guilt is not reasonable.  I had been asking Sadie if she was OK, did she understand, etc.  I still ask that last one.  I choose to think that this dream was from Sadie and God.  That it actually happened.

It’s fine if you think I’m crazy.  I’m good with that.

I also woke up one morning with a really strong thought.  You know how you worry over your elderly cat or dog, and watch over her/him at any sign of health problems?  A cough, a sneeze-like that? And you worry?   I felt like Sadie was watching over me, worried that I am so sad.  I know that she doesn’t want me to be heartbroken.  She wants me to run free, just like she is.

So.  That is my assignment-to work on remembering her with joy and thankfulness for our years together and to try to stop crying so much and be glad for her.  I know that my darling husband is farther along on that road than I and my sorrow must be wearing on him, although he never acts like it or says that.  I don’t talk to anyone about my continuing sorry, because a.  they won’t get it  or b.  it will hurt them.    I just feel like my soul is broken without my girl.  I hate the last 2 days of her life and I think over those days and see the things I didn’t do that I should have done.

Like the Saturday before that horrid Sunday, when I took her back to the hospital because she was beginning to be back in crisis again.  She had to be catheterized to relieve her pain, and I stayed all day in the waiting room, reading and asking every hour – ” has she been catheterized yet?” And crying and quietly yelling at the nurses, when they told me “no she hasn’t yet” for six hours.  They had several emergencies that day, and it was understandable I suppose, but I was so afraid that her bladder would burst and she would die in agony.  ANYHOW finally about 5 pm they came and told me that she had been catheterized.  And I just went home.  WHY didn’t I go in and spend time with her and talk with her and pet her?  WHY?

With such thoughts I torment myself.  I suppose one has to finally, at last, come to the place of saying “I can’t change what happened.  I regret it and can’t do more than that.  If Sadie is the dog I know her to be, she understands.”   And leave it alone.

If I only knew how to do that.

Love you, Sadie.

Sorry that I have been away.  It has been a time of on again off again agony, feeling my loss more and more keenly, and I have not been doing great at dealing.  I have gone round and round in my mind all the things that I regret with my darling in her last days, and wishing that I had been so much better at seeing what was really happening and that she was so sick and suffering, and just been better.  Things bug you when you are not quite there yet, in your sorrow.  For instance, someone said that your lost ones stay with you for a bit then go away and just pop in from time to time-and I hate that.  I don’t know if it is true, or that I believe that-but I hate that.   I want her here always and how selfish is that-but I do.  Then I think I need to let her go-and I can’t.  That is why I think that I never said goodbye at the end.  I just can’t.  And then I think I just have to go on and try not to think about her-and then I feel like that would be an insult to our relationship.  And then I wondered if I drove Sadie crazy, if she really just tolerated me.  Why didn’t I press the vets more to find out what was going on just with one more test, etc?

But the bottom line is this, I think–Sadie is happy right now.  She is free and she is with her beloved Keiligh and Maggie and even Bug.  All I can do, when the sorrow sweeps over me at the odd moment, is stand there and miss her.  I can’t doubt our relationship and her love.  She would hate that.  And she would hate me to be so broken down.

The holidays are hard.  We used to love to walk around the Collection-a beautiful outdoor shopping area not far from our home.  We used to walk there several times a week.  I loved to take her there because she loved it so.  She had holiday sweaters that she just loved to wear and show off.  She had a light on her collar and when we walked at night there, people would admire her and pet her and talk about how beautiful she was-and I just loved that.  She did too.  It was our place-among other places she loved.  SO it is hard right now because I don’t have a leash in my hands and my darling looking up at me with that smile.

I don’t talk to anyone about this, because honestly it is a bit of a drag to be around someone who cries so much.  Even Tim doesn’t need this, and he is wonderful.  It gets a bit stressful to hide, but it is what it is.    I have to hide a bit right now.  That is OK.

Another thing I have observed myself doing and I don’t quite get–I don’t know why I say the words ” I love you, Sadie” all the time.  I do think she hears me, don’t get me wrong.   I say it many times a day out load. As a matter of fact,  I said it all the time when she was here visibly.   I just do.  I think she gets it, even if I don’t.  That is what is important.

It is not easier yet, but I have passed the place where I want to just kind of go to sleep and not wake to the pain.  I still weep when I wake up each morning, just a bit.

All I can do is stand here and miss you, Sadie.  But I am so glad that you are happy and running and free with your dog mates.  Really glad.

Love you, Sadie.

Today is 9 days since a final hug.  An interesting journey-certainly painful in ways I didn’t think about.  I have been reading lots of info about grief.  This is the only time you read about such things because we really run away from the topic as much as we can in our culture, until we are cornered by it.  In fact, yesterday I avoided writing on this blog in an effort to “be normal.”

Sure.  Let’s go with that.  Normal.

Normal grief.  RUN AWAY is what we are good at.  (Monty Python reference.)  I read something lovely that Mr.Rogers wrote in his wonderful children’s book “When a Pet Dies.”  (a must read.)

“In grieving, we try to fill the empty space that was created in us by the loss.”

This statement rings really true to me.  After sitting shiva in whatever sense we do-and we all do it, we have to-we are felled, we are stopped, we are absolutely made to pause in our everyday lives by the loss of a loved one, furry or not, if our love was large enough.  So after sitting shiva for the absolute least amount of time we can, as our culture demands, we bound up to “be normal again.”  I read that the generally used psychological guidelines today allow TWO WEEKS of grief before someone is considered abnormal.  If you are incredulous, the name of this psychiatric tome is “Diagnostic and Statistical Manual Fifth Edition” or DSM-5 as it is known in the field.   According to this professional handbook, anything longer is grounds for diagnosis and likely, medication.  Our culture is denying the pain of loss.  (I got all this, by the way, from a copy of the magazine Psychology Today, August 2018, which I picked up when I traveled in July at an airport.  I usually try to get things to read that I would not normally see.  From Loss to Love by Steven C. Hayes, PhD. )  So, I guess I have 5 more days before I am officially a nut case.   As if I need a timeline to know that.

Here is the problem-we can’t fill that hole.  Impossible because there is not another like the loved one we lost.  Just doesn’t exist and never will.  There will never be another pup who will grin sidelong at me in mischief as my Sadie did/does- (I really want it to be true that she is running around with my other darlings in a place I can’t see yet.)  SO we have to find a way to come to grips that we lost something in this sphere that we will not again regain–and I for one am crappy at that concept.  Finality doesn’t work well for me.  I try to bang myself on the head with ultimates, precisely because I don’t believe in them, and I think that maybe by being violent with myself-and unfortunately, those around me also most likely-I can reach a sort of norm.  After 63 years, I don’t think it’s working.  No norm on the horizon yet.

I think if one has bounded up from sitting shiva too long, one must sit down again.  I fear doing this alone.  In an account I read about pet grieving, the husband was done before the wife and the wife had to stop talking about it with him and had to only talk within herself, because others around you, no matter how kind, tire of your grief and it is back to your own head–ugh, back to that again.  But actually, that is fair, because all of us have a rhythm that is different from each other and we have to allow for that with each other.  This is when I would take off with Sadie for a good walk in the past-the wonderful remedy for me when I felt a bit on my own, as everyone does on occasion.  What a great girl and I hope she knows today how wonderful she was/is to have at my side.  I worry that maybe I drove her crazy a little bit–and then I think that if she was here physically right now and I said that to her, she would just lick my face just once-that’s what she did, as if to say to me “it’s all OK.  don’t worry.  I got this.”  Economy of speech/lick.  What a girl.  Yeah, I think I’m going to need more than 5 days.

We made it to our one week without our darling.

Not easy.  We had to get out and be somewhere other than any normal place this morning, so we drove down PCH to Malibu, listening to The Beatles top 100 songs on the radio and went to a late brunch and pretended it was not the day we got to be with you last.  And ya know it don’t come easy.

Tim and I have been like two children clinging to each other in the dark during this last week- (in the spirit of full disclosure, I don’t think Tim likes this analogy that much.  Whatever.  No quibbling right now.) We watch comfort TV-The Closer, Frasier, Fawlty Towers.  We drink a bit too much and we forget to eat food and we stay with each other.  We are trying to normalize a bit more each day.  Yesterday a short walk.  Today, a drive and new scenery.  God bless our wonderful friend and employee Cris who is keeping the business going this last week while we have not been there mentally.  It will get better each day incrementally, and the pain surprises me and the way it hits shocks me.  I am only revealing the enormity of it all here-after a few days, people don’t get it kinda, and why should they, if they haven’t been there?  So, here it is safe.

The cats are getting angry and moody, and I so wish, yet again, that we had been able to do this at home here-SO MUCH BETTER.  I fear a bit that Yoda will take off to look for Sadie-so I watch the windows more now.  They are entering their grieving period now I think.  Lots of kitty time needed now.

I will continue my hero stuff with Sadie tomorrow.  Sadie, do I need to say it?  I love you and miss you my dearest friend.  I hope that you have been romping free with Maggie and KK all week, happy healthy and not too worried about us.  I am realizing that even though it killed us to make the decision last week, it was good because you would have hung on way too long and way too painfully and suffered way too much, because you always took care of me and protected me and I know you really worried about how I will do-and Tim also.  The good news is that Tim and I will make it, girl,and yep cry a bit each day cuz we don’t get to have you here by us-why wouldn’t we?  Love you, darling, forever.  We will always be together-just have to figure out how that looks and feels right now.  We will get it together.

Love you baby.

Today I was reading about the passing of two of my heroes-kinda mine.  John McCain who I so admired for his honor, his scrappiness and frankness in honest disagreements-I like that quality-just a number of things.  Didn’t agree about everything politically, who cares.  And Aretha Franklin.  I remember first really noticing her as I sat with my brother in front of the TV watching probably Ed Sullivan or the Oscars or..something where she sang.  My brother just breathed out the word “ARETHA.” and I sat up and took notice.  If Donald loved it, of course, I did-of course and rightfully so.  Then I had this great roommate who became a dear lifelong friend, Beverly.  She had lived in Chicago to go to art school, and had gotten into soul music big time.  She would play stuff for me and I was totally hooked all over again-and have been since.   And Aretha was the QUEEN for me, later joined by Patti LaBelle.  My daughter Suzie grew up hearing Aretha-among others-on cassette in our car.

I thought about these greats and how deaths of greats usually come in threes-and I realized that it had.  The third was Sadie, my great dog.  If you feel odd about me saying this, you don’t know me and you sure don’t know my  Sadie.  Let me help you here.

Sadie’s beginning, as I understand it, was as a purchased puppy for a family.  Sadie is high energy, very enthusiastic and vocal.  She is a kelpie border collie mix, as far as we can see, and was marketed as a border collie.  Kelpies are very smart, very vocal-lots of barking.  There is a legend that kelpies originated from the banished Irish who were sent to Australian penal colonies, who took their families and their dogs with them-the dogs mated with the wild dingos and KELPIES happened.  I totally believe this after Sadie.  Border Collies are not so vocal.  The lady who got Sadie evidently decided that it was too much work and to just shut up this dog in a dark garage in a crate for the first section of her life.  Even typing that sentence hurts me.  Special place in Hell, lady.  ANYHOW, this awful woman had a co-worker who knew she was awful and one day she complained to this co-worker about this dog and said that she was going to take this dog to the pound to be put to sleep after work.  This amazing co-worker who loved dogs said “oh, maybe I want your dog-can I see this dog at lunch?”  Went to see and took Sadie immediately, knowing that she probably couldn’t keep her – she was newly married and her husband had two elderly dogs who probably couldn’t stand the stress of a lively pup–but I AM SO GRATEFUL TO HER that she acted first to get this angel away from the terrible woman and thought later.  I wish I had kept her info, so I could write a note and tell her.  Anyhow, she found out from someone I knew from the past that I had border collies and she got my number.  She called and told me about this dog.  I talked about the rest of this in my first post.

So, Hero Thing #1 out of a zillion Hero Things that Sadie had in her–Sadie could have, should have, hated people, especially women, after her experience.  NOPE.  Sadie so loved people.  It was a bit of a problem to keep on a schedule with her for appointments and work and and.  If she saw someone she knew on our way to the elevator to go back in and get ready for us to go to work or where ever we were going–well, we were going to greet that friend even if she didn’t know them yet and allow that person the honor of petting Sadie, which of course everyone did.   She loved to go walking in places where people were, like downtown Ventura and The Collection center in Oxnard, so she could greet anyone who would pass by.  Of course if they had a dog with them, we were going to have to do the bark bark BARK and a bit of lunge thrown in just for flair–but she would love to greet the person.  People would mention how pretty she was as we walked by and children would react happily, as if picking up on Sadie’s vibe of love.   I will never forget one little tiny girl’s reaction to Sadie.   Parents would often say “can he/she pet your dog?” and we always did that, in a public service effort to teach little ones where to pet a dog and how softly.   A Hispanic family coming to walk at the beach had a little darling girl by the hand, and she wanted to see Sadie.  I helped her to gently pet Sadie, and then before she walked on with her family, she bent over and kissed Sadie on the back so sweetly.  It so touched me and I know Sadie loved it too.

Sadie had a thing about other dogs.  I am not sure that she had it as much when we lived on 1/3 of an acre with a big yard.  I think it started when we moved to the condo in a gated community.  I think possibly that she thought of the entire condo area and the beach as HERS and  what the hell was this dog/dogs doing in her yard?  Maybe.  We worked on it with trainers and worked on it ourselves-but she never stopped the bark bark BARK and a bit of lunge thrown in for flair toward other dogs-although it calmed down over the years.  I actually secretly liked it after a while, as I felt protected and also because it showed her continued sass.  In smaller contained areas she could totally cause a riot and that was irritating sometimes, and I know I sent mixed signals  to her-enjoying her barking sometimes and telling her to knock it off other times.  I told her that I knew I was confusing and I was sorry about that.  I think she knew that pretty much it was fine with me for her to bark.  I read in some dog magazine some years ago that barking was a stress release for dogs and that they liked doing it–and I always felt that Sadie deserved every ounce of enjoyment in her life because her first few months of her life were shitty.  Yes I am the guilt fairy.   When we had her for a few days with our other two dogs, I was so unaccustomed to lots of barking that I went online and connected with a woman in New Zealand who raised Kelpies to find out what was going on.  She assured me that kelpies unlike border collies were barkers and that having a litter of them was deafening at her house.  Also, interesting was her affect on Keiligh, who had become her mentor/mommy.  (Maggie was the pack leader).  Keiligh barked quite a bit on walks at other dogs and could be loud.  Tim thinks that Maggie did this also at the beginning.  After a bit, Keiligh stopped doing the barking and let Sadie do all the barking for her.  Tim says that Maggie did the same when Keiligh came along.  Tim also says that Maggie and then Keiligh just saw how stupid they looked barking like that and stopped.  I don’t think so.   These guys are so great, right?  They train each other, they give each other jobs to do, and we just stand by saying “okay that works” -because it so did.  We know that Maggie used to send Keiligh to tell us something-time for dinner, something is wrong, Maggie needs you.  And Sadie WAS Keiligh’s job.  Keiligh had a way of baring her teeth, growling and shoving her face right up alongside Sadie’s face when Sadie needed a Word of Correction.  It was downright scary.   Sadie would YES MA’AM right back to Keiligh-not daring to look at Keiligh, eyes straight ahead- and never do that again, whatever it was.  It was amazing to see.

So,  Sadie’s #1 Hero Thing was that she loved people, even though she had reason not to.

Tomorrow it is on to Sadie the Brave, my Hero.  Stay tuned.  And yes, we have been crying today still for the loss of our girl.  It’s going to be a long time before we don’t and that is okay.  That is what you do when you have had the amazing luck to be with a dog like Sadie and yes, also our Maggie and Keiligh–but they really belonged to Suzie.  Sadie was ours and we are hers heart and soul.

Hey Sadie-a week ago you were here at home and we thought it would be for a long time. It was so amazing to have you here again where you belong.  I just wanted you to know that I love you tonight-and always.

Talked to the vet today and got the results from the biopsy back finally from the tumor-yep cancer.  She thinks that it was there a year ago when we took you in for the constant stopping to pee that had been going on for a couple of months.   She said that it would have spread very soon, if it hadn’t already.  We didn’t want that kind of pain or suffering ever for you, darling.  We would rather have the pain we have in missing you-pretty much agony, actually, nowadays.  But now we know that it was the thing that needed to happen-we just hate that.

We are going to have a wake for you, Sade, at one of your favorite places-the bar at the beach across the street.  Everyone is bringing their dogs.  I will listen for your barking-I miss that so much!  The screen door we bought for you finally arrived and was installed today, and I like to think that you will be lying in front of it to catch the evening breeze.  The kitties are freaked out by it, for some reason.

It’s late, and I just had to stop to tell you that we really loved having you in our lives every day.  I realized today that you and I were together almost every hour of the day each week-maybe 3-4 hours away from you to do grocery shopping or a doctors appointment most weeks, and then usually Tim would be with you.  I just loved you with me everywhere.  Some of the advice in books for getting through the first weeks of loss say that at first, you should change your patterns of doing things that you did with your darling to keep from the constant sense of “you are not here.”  Sadie, we went everywhere together-it is impossible for me to follow that advice.  And I guess I am glad, because it was wonderful to be with you-at work, at stores, in the car singing with me.

Please keep being with me everywhere, OK?  Even now, I can feel the sensation of reaching over and running my hand on your back and ruffling your fur-happiness for me, darling.  I love you Sadie.  None like you, girl.

Night love.

Today a week ago we were SO excited!  Sadie was coming home tomorrow and we could be together and walk at the beach,  behind the office the way she loved to do each afternoon-always nagging me to go, even when we couldn’t especially when we couldn’t–and the kitties would be so happy and all would be right with the world.

I hate that it wasn’t that way and now nothing is right with the world.  Today I thought “hey-I’m not crying when I wake up!  I’m at peace!  wow!”  and then…nope.   I am reading about losing a beloved dog or cat, and there is help there-and no promises that all will be ok soon.  Also a note from my sister in law and her husband was really good.  They said basically that if you are feeling guilty and sorrowful, it is proof that you did it right-if you didn’t care you wouldn’t.  It is the last great act of love for Sadie.   Jay and Mary also and other friends have said about my feeling guilty that we really did the right thing and that she was suffering and we did this in love-and not to second guess ourselves.   The advice I am reading all say that while guilt is absolutely what every caring pet owner feels who experiences euthanizing a darling, you best find a way to not keep doing it–it only makes it much much harder.  And me, the guilt fairy forever.  I want to talk to the doc and have a final appointment to talk about what happened.  It didn’t go as I wanted, and I am actually realizing that we never said goodbye to her.  I was so worried about her not being upset, and distracting her with her peanut butter jar-and the business office people who came in and had us fill out forms-FORMS REALLY!!!!??!–and the kid tech who burst in uninvited and unannounced who was upset and insisted on saying goodbye to Sadie-THAT helped–and Sadie having a moment of “I got to get out of here” while we were waiting for the vet and going to the door–was that her feeling her urge to pee, which she did regularly, even with the catheter in, or was she sensing what was about to happen and she was saying no? Oh man.  I don’t know.  I really hope not.  Anyhow, it was not like our experience with Keiligh -here at home.  peaceful and quiet and orderly and kind.  When the vet came in, it was fine.  But all the others and that we had to wait and I had to work to keep Sadie not anxious, etc–we didn’t say the words good bye.  I told her over and over, Sadie I love you-you are such a great dog, a good girl, so great.  i love you.  Petting and stroking her constantly and telling her we loved her.  I told her that we weren’t trying to trick her, we just couldn’t fix what was broken and we love you so much.  But no goodbye.  Did she get it?  Did she know?  After, when she was gone, the vet wanted to know if we wanted time with her body-I looked at Tim and he was so hurt and crushed and trying not to weep and I wanted to take care of him and he said no, so I said no, we don’t too.  and we left after thanking vet people and crying with them.   I don’t know if it would have helped-she was gone.  it was just her beautiful shell lying there.  we did with Maggie-but we had not known she was going to go when she went into surgery, and we had no other time with her.

If I could turn back the clock, I would have asked Tim if we could just continue talking to our vet the next day about this, and then taken more time to organize everything.  Everything seemed like a crisis and we have to decide NOW-I don’t know.

A take away from this and recommendation to others-if at all possible, do it at home.  we could have waited to arrange things and just kept her longer at the hospital with the catheter in maybe-we knew it wasn’t great for her to put it off and we were in agony after we had faced what we felt we had to do-just waiting until the afternoon was awful.  For me, i was also worried about Tim and Suzie and Alec, knowing that the next day was a work day and that they would not have time to deal then so we better do it now when they have a Sunday to deal–but that was probably not right to be worried about that.  If you can’t do it at home, do all the business stuff in advance before you spend time with your darling in a room.  Tell the vet people that you want to control who is in the room with you and do it.   That tech kid barging in on our time and grabbing Sadie and starring in her eyes so hard really bugged me.

I don’t know.  I wanted it to be easy for Sadie.  I guess it was-she fell asleep to us stroking her and saying we love you.  The fact is that I don’t think we were capable of saying the words goodbye.    Still can’t.

Well it is no good going over what we did and didn’t do- it  is done.  Sadie is not in pain and she is not feeling panicky all the time that she has to pee.  She can bark anytime she wants, she can run without any arthritis, her feet don’t hurt her, her legs aren’t giving out on her, she can jump up on a couch or into a car no problem, she can eat anything and not get the runs, she can chew all the grass she wants.  she can eat cat poop with no ill effects.  she can run with maggs and kk all day and poke bug in the tummy anytime bug will let her.  she can go indoors when she wants and be outdoors all day long, she can walk to the lighthouse and back without any pain.   she can sleep without worry about needing to go out to pee all night.  she can be happy and free all the time, and she knows how deeply we adore her and loved being her masters-haha.  she was so the master.  and I loved that.   I loved her impishness-“crazy girl.” was what I would say to her and she would grin and bark some more, as we passed a house where maybe ONCE a dog had barked at her.  she never forgot and loved loved LOVED to bark at those houses.  I loved her to and I don’t care a bit if others didn’t.  Dogs bark.  Get over it.  LET THEM.

I love you Sadie.  All I want is for you to be so happy now.  Are you?  Can you let me know?  That would be great.

Sadie, just to be clear, is the best dog ever.  Here she is with her cat, Yoda.  She has two-Yoda and Mia.  This is Yoda.

Sadie passed on Sunday August 26, 2018 around 5 pm.    It’s the worst and I can’t stop crying.  I don’t know if I ever will.  Sade has been my friend in a way that no one else ever has.  Yah I know – really?  a dog?

Yes, really.   This Dog.  Let me explain a bit.   Life has cut me hard and been challenging and very painful the last few years-and there is my girl, taking me on a walk to think, to breathe, to stop thinking.  Just to be.  She has been my darling since the beginnings.  She feared leashes and 5 days after she came home to us, I was taking all 3 dogs down to the local pet store.  As I got them to our car, Sadie broke away and ran out of the driveway, and gone.  I ran after her to the bottom of our hill and screamed SADIE and sank to my knees, crying, sure that she would be gone, hit by a car on our busy street, gone.  Suddenly she is running back to me and jumped into my lap and my heart, forever.  And she has been there since, holding me close and I hold her close.  We go everywhere together.  Early daily mornings by the ocean.  Late daily afternoons in downtown Ventura, then by the river in Camarillo-our own special walking place, just for us.  Running errands, and taking her into any store I can.  Walking around at The Collection outdoor shopping mall.  Outings to the pet store, where she picks out what treat she wants with her teeth.   Always waiting for me at home, rushing to the door-hell, lying in front of it so that I have to open the door slowly–and there is that wonderful nose and pair of eyes glad to see me.  Going everywhere I could with her and yes, I boycotted stores that tossed us out (Buffalo Exchange) with a big fat grudge.  She was challenging in her behaviour-she did NOT like other dogs who were not in her pack and would bark and go after them–although she didn’t know what to do if she actually got to them.  I think she was really protective of me.  She went to work with us everyday in the office since 2013-then with her buddy Keiligh also, who passed  November 6, 2014 and broke her heart and mine.  We stuck together then, and that is when Heaven sent us Yoda to comfort Sadie-fearless, loving curious Yoda the tiny runt of the litter kitty, who distracted Sadie from her sorrow as best she could and gave Sadie a new job, now that she no longer took care of Keiligh the elderly darling.

She came to us via a friend of a friend who heard we had border collies and would we take this one that just got rescued?  Born October 29, 2004-five years younger than our youngest pup Keiligh and seven years younger than our pack leader, Maggie.  AND that would make 3 dogs and Tim was not loving that idea-but Suzie said DO IT from DC–the other dogs are beginning to act like old ladies, she said-and this pup will wake them up maybe.  I drove an hour to see her at her temp home and fell in love with this cheery, perky pup who would become my BIG BLACK DOG who I adored.  And adore.  Suzie flew home and we picked up Sadie and drove her home-poor girl was carsick all the way.  She didn’t like driving then–or leashes, because that meant yet another home.  What total jerks and how stupid people are that didn’t see how great this dog was!   I never want to meet the woman who abused her.  It would not be safe.  But I am so glad that I got her.  How lucky I am and Tim is–Sadie has his heart big time.  And now our hearts are so broken.  I don’t know if they will ever be whole again.

I am writing this to try to figure out how to live and to work out the thoughts and guilt about how she went.  I am hot with terror that I may have taken away her days with our decision to euthanize and I so want to know that she is OK and happy and understands what we did and why and how hard it was to even think about doing it, and that she forgives us.   That will sound odd unless you have been in this position.  With Keiligh, we knew that she was asking us to let her go.  She was tired and unwell.  With Maggie, our first darling, it was taken out of our hands.  In surgery-then a phone call that she was full of cancer, and please let her sleep on.  With Sadie, her body broke in one area-she couldn’t pass urine because of a tumor and a large stone and her bladder would fill to crisis point.  Agony for her and we race to vet to get a catheter in her-and she was very hard to catheterize, according to the vets.  First we tried a medication to shrink the tumor, which the vet said was 99.9% sure was cancer-biopsy results still coming even now-and yay we got to bring her home after 5 days!  So happy, even though after her enthusiasm ran down, she was super tired.  She was happy and the kitties were too.  Didn’t last 24 hours before she was back in crisis and in the hospital again.  Now only two choices-euthanize or install a port that we would operate every few hours to let pee out. GREAT.  We’re in-let’s do it.  Overnight we realized–and talked to the vet.  What about a dog like Sadie who tears at everything-border collie like-and how do we keep her from taking out her port with her teeth?  Maybe a tee shirt, maybe binding-but most likely a hard cone for the rest of her life.  We thought oh no, she will hate that.  She will be miserable.  She already spends time lying in the dark in a back bathroom often, and I wonder if she is in pain, if she is depressed, what? And I coax her out to join me in the living room if I can. But now I think, maybe we should have tried.  Maybe she would have left it alone and we could have had a few more months with her and she could have had more time.  Why didn’t we wait a few days more to think?  Yes, she would have had to endure more time in the hospital away from us, and the surgery would be major and painful recovery and infections were very possible-but would it have been better?  We let Keiligh suffer too long.  Did we take away Sadie’s life too soon?  The vets all said that this was a good thing to do, except one young male tech-I think he really was upset that we were doing this.  That bothers me quite a bit.  Why do I place more importance on this kids thoughts than the vets who all said euthanizing was appropriate?  I am haunted.  Sadie, I wish I could know where you are, how you are, what you are thinking.  We love you so much and really wanted to do what was right for you-didn’t care about the money, didn’t care about taking care of you with a port or anything you needed.  Hell, for the last two years, we have been taking you out once or twice to pee during the night most nights, very willingly.  We would do that again always, darling.  Whatever you need.

And this rainbow bridge stuff.  Is that real?  I would love that.  I do think that Maggie came for Keiligh to lead her home when she died-I actually saw Maggie out of the corner of my eye a few days before K passed.  I worry that this time, we jumped the gun and they were not there to lead her home.   Sounds nuts, but I do worry about that.   Sadie, are you there with Maggie and Keiligh and Bug now?   Bug was Keiligh’s cat.  And I MEAN Keiligh’s cat.  Keiligh took care of Bug and Bug loved loved her doggie Keiligh.   And that’s another story.

When we had to euthanize Bug, Tim held her while the vet did it, and when we looked up later, Tim was sitting in a chair that had a picture of a dog that looked EXACTLY like Keiligh on the wall above them.

Like this:

So, I have to conclude that we have had experiences that give validity to this idea that our darlings are around us somehow.

But-back to this- did they know that Sadie was coming and did they connect?   I guess what I am struggling with is this:

did we follow what was meant to be, or did we jump the gun?  Was Sunday her day or did we act out of our agony?  Was it her time or did we misjudge, and we should have tried other ways?  I confess, I am tormented.

Everyone I talk to says “don’t do this to yourself” but I don’t know how to turn this worry off.  I just love her and wanted everything good for her.  Was it?  Or did I rob her of more time to continue her love of life?  I can’t figure this out right now.  I can’t see clearly.  Help.