Sadie sends KK.

I should have written this before, so – sorry for that.  In February 2019, a bit after my last post at six months without my darling Sadie, we began to be able to think about another pup in our lives.  To be honest, I think that Sadie was nudging me.  I resisted and so did my husband.  How could I think of another dog in a bed next to me, etc.

BUT I found myself scanning for rescue dogs online.  I found that there was a neat site sponsored by Petco-a rescue foundation that showed dogs that were available from small rescues around my area and really anywhere.  If you were interested in meeting the dog, you had to fill out an application and be approved first, then you could make an appointment to visit.  I looked for border collies and BC mixes.  We were mostly approved and one did not approve us-no yard.  I get it.  I am glad that they are picky for these darlings.  I was set to visit one dog the next weekend about an hour away from us-and had even arranged to pick up a dog wheelchair that someone was donating that happened to be in my area to take to the rescue.  I checked my email the morning before I was leaving to see the BC puppy-and there was a DOG that pulled my heart.  She looked very much like Sadie.  DANGER.  But I still looked.  I saw that a private rescue minutes from me had listed her just that morning.  I immediately filled out the application and prepared to wait the days that I usually had to wait.  POP came back a reply, asking me when I wanted to meet her.  I said TODAY? and that is what happened.  I met her.  Sweet Kiana.  Her story was simple:  her owner had lost his home -the Thomas Fires?-and had left her with friends, who had a small place and 3 big dogs already.  After 8 weeks, her owner still had not been able to stabilize his life and apparently let the friends place an ad for her rescue.  And I saw the ad.  Another woman wanted her but was determined to make her an agility champ-and the foster family just didn’t think that was a good fit.  They were so kind.  They allowed me to actually take her to meet my husband at our office.  He fell in love immediately and she did as well.  BUT there was a final test–what would the cats think?  They loved Sadie so.  We drove home and let her meet the gang.  She was very interested and friendly, and then there was a bump and a hiss and a bark–that was OK.  She learned that boundaries were in place for big black dogs with these kitties.  I called Tim.  We said yes.  I called the foster couple, and they said they would call me back.  In about an hour, we got the OK to keep her–and we began the joyous time of collecting once again dog gear and food and and and.  And yes, I still drove with the dog wheelchair the next day, and saw a sweet BC puppy that I could have adopted- but came home to KK.  She was so joyous and sweet-and still is.  She plays hard hard hard with other dogs-wrestles and wriggles and growls and leaps and dances and chews other dogs’ collars–which I had never experienced before with my BCs.   I found out that she was exhibiting dog behavior-but I had not experienced that before with my work ethic dogs.  This girl PLAAAYED.  I was insecure and apologetic for her at dog parks and became an easy target for the dog park bullies–owners, not dogs.    KK LOVES to play with other dogs and to run like I have never seen-in large sweeping arcs, fast fast fast, gathering other dogs in her wake and effortlessly creating a final massive tidal wave of dogs hurling themselves at the clump of critical masses of owners standing around the park.  Yes, we were a problem at the dog parks-but I think we were the fun ones.  But the judgy judgersons won out and we decided that dog parks were not our cup of tea.  I kinda hate that.  She so wants to play with every dog we meet on walks, and figure out who is BOSS.  I miss that-but where I am, the dog parks are pretty prissy and it just never ends well.  Not with the dogs-it is the owners. We returned to dog obedience classes and practiced training.  She was a star pupil but oh that impudence.   I was used to immediate obedience with my BCs.   My daughter says that Maggie, Keiligh and Sadie were never like I think they were.  I don’t know.  I think they were perfect.

She is KK.  We had to change her name, because I could not for the life of me pronounce her name properly especially when I needed to, as in  “Kiana, COME.” We did not want yet another change for her, so we sat with friends to look for a name beginning with a K sound.  At the end of the evening, it was KK.

The danger with a new rescue pup that looks like the love of your life who is no longer there is this–you actually expect the newbie to be your older darling unconsciously– unfair.  I found that I expected to take walks with my earphones in and my music flooding my head and heart and my pup easily dancing at my side.  In other words, Sadie.  Nope that was not the case, and should not have been the case.  I had to work through that.

You have to cut yourself slack-and I don’t do that well.  I found that I would experience an anger rising in me now and again–which calls for absolute honesty and examination.  It was my grief and loneliness still for my Sadie.  I had this wonderful lovely lively very strong big determined ADD inflected and- did I say big?- dog at my side, pulling me and not listening and tripping me with her dartings about after a subtle scent and sound–and it was not my Sadie.  I would feel anger that had nothing to do with her antics and my inability to get it together.  I missed Sadie and somehow I think I thought that I had her back again and all would be well.

But Sadie sent her to us.  I absolutely know that.  I actually sense that Sadie -and Maggs and Keiligh- are around and watching me with KK.  I find myself asking Sadie for advice, for help, to be a really good mom to KK.  I have to be.  KK deserves such love and care.  I read the books that demand patience and predictability and positive reinforcement–and I get bummed.  Oh I am not good at any of the above so often.

She is not Sadie.  The books say look at the nature of your rescue and understand.  SO-here:  she is not all border collie at all-the intensity and focus and instant response.  No.  She is part Lab retriever and I suspect a hunter-hound is in there as well.  She is far more relaxed and easy going and puppyish, though she is certainly not a puppy any longer.  She is uber prey driven–I can’t completely trust her off leash, if there is any chance of a bird or a bunny or anything calling to her.   No, she is not Sadie, nor Maggie nor Keiligh.  She uses her hands in a way that is a bit shocking.  She lies down on the bed next to you and puts her arms around you to sleep.  And BOY does she have big paws.  She pounces like a cat and absolutely bounces at you.  I am reminded of a bit of something from “The House at Pooh Corner” by AA Milne, wherein Tigger BOUNCED Eeyore in the river.  That is KK.  She bounces you.  I am 64 and very active but I have to get used to a life of bouncing.

Well, you say, you should have her under control and she should be..blahdiblah blah blah.  Yes.  Exactly.  Precisely.  I should.  But there is something there that is my lesson.  Life can be a bit more bouncy, if needed.  And really, why not?  As long as she is not injuring me or endangering herself or annoying others-why can’t she be bouncy?  I tend to get exacting and intense.  KK is an antidone.  It can’t be done with her.   Perhaps that is the beauty here.

Sadie sent her to me, knowing me and knowing KK perfectly.  I have not a sliver of doubt about that.  I walked the beaches for months after Sadie died, just talking to her.  I had asked her several times to send a pup that we needed and that needed us at exactly the right time–and there appeared KK.  Yep, Sadie sent her, in consultation with her BC pack leader Maggie and her bud Keiligh–and that is that.

I still miss Sadie and still cry when I think how stupid I was not to see how ill she was, regretting how her going to sleep went, wishing I had stayed longer to hold her after she had gone, wishing wishing so much.  It is terrible the sins we accumulate when we review the time gone from our absent darlings.   I know that there is a balance there, but I have never been great with balance and I sure am in the deep end these days–no luxury of touching the bottom for security.  I just don’t want to miss the sweet moments with KK, weeping for the lost moments with Sadie.

I heard someone say that humans cannot abide uncertainty, and that these times now demand from us that we live in absolute uncertainty.  Here’s the thing-nothing is certain.  We are not promised any tomorrows, with or without those that we love madly.  I remember trying to understand what it means to be present during walks with Sadie.  I got to the place where I would narrate my life right then, to be present.  “I am walking right now with my Sadie in the sunshine, feeling a breeze on my face and seeing the seagulls in the sky.”  etc.

I don’t know if that is it, but I can’t figure out any other calculation.  So I am with my KK right now, and enjoying the bouncy life and remembering my darlings Sadie-and Maggie and Keiligh, for all of my days.

I will keep you posted.