Hard. Still. In tears again at least once a day. I wonder why I am so tender to the touch about Sadie now, when I wasn’t as much a week ago? I wonder if there is a cosmic anniversary that I don’t see, for Sadie and me.
Did I tell you about my dream? I don’t remember if I did. It was odd because I was not in it at all. My older dogs-and Sadie’s best friends who passed in 2010 (Maggie) and 2014 (Keiligh)- were standing in front of the door to the Animal Hospital where Sadie passed, and it was that day. They were talking to each other-not like a cartoon or even audibly, but I could hear them–
Maggie: we have to go in and get her.
Keiligh: I’m not going in there! (she hated hated the animal hospital).
Maggie: but we have to.
Keiligh: no, let’s just wait for her to pop up in the sky, and we’ll get her then.
Maggie: OK.
And in a minute, up she flies.
Maggie: hey, wait up!
Sadie: NO WAY! I’m running!!!!
Maggie to Keiligh: you know, she always did that. (racing ahead of Maggie and Keiligh).
And that was my dream. I had been concerned that Maggie and Keiligh would not be there to guide her to her new home with them, because we made the decision-I know, it makes no sense, but guilt is not reasonable. I had been asking Sadie if she was OK, did she understand, etc. I still ask that last one. I choose to think that this dream was from Sadie and God. That it actually happened.
It’s fine if you think I’m crazy. I’m good with that.
I also woke up one morning with a really strong thought. You know how you worry over your elderly cat or dog, and watch over her/him at any sign of health problems? A cough, a sneeze-like that? And you worry? I felt like Sadie was watching over me, worried that I am so sad. I know that she doesn’t want me to be heartbroken. She wants me to run free, just like she is.
So. That is my assignment-to work on remembering her with joy and thankfulness for our years together and to try to stop crying so much and be glad for her. I know that my darling husband is farther along on that road than I and my sorrow must be wearing on him, although he never acts like it or says that. I don’t talk to anyone about my continuing sorry, because a. they won’t get it or b. it will hurt them. I just feel like my soul is broken without my girl. I hate the last 2 days of her life and I think over those days and see the things I didn’t do that I should have done.
Like the Saturday before that horrid Sunday, when I took her back to the hospital because she was beginning to be back in crisis again. She had to be catheterized to relieve her pain, and I stayed all day in the waiting room, reading and asking every hour – ” has she been catheterized yet?” And crying and quietly yelling at the nurses, when they told me “no she hasn’t yet” for six hours. They had several emergencies that day, and it was understandable I suppose, but I was so afraid that her bladder would burst and she would die in agony. ANYHOW finally about 5 pm they came and told me that she had been catheterized. And I just went home. WHY didn’t I go in and spend time with her and talk with her and pet her? WHY?
With such thoughts I torment myself. I suppose one has to finally, at last, come to the place of saying “I can’t change what happened. I regret it and can’t do more than that. If Sadie is the dog I know her to be, she understands.” And leave it alone.
If I only knew how to do that.
Love you, Sadie.
Remembering Sadie 