Sorry that I have been away. It has been a time of on again off again agony, feeling my loss more and more keenly, and I have not been doing great at dealing. I have gone round and round in my mind all the things that I regret with my darling in her last days, and wishing that I had been so much better at seeing what was really happening and that she was so sick and suffering, and just been better. Things bug you when you are not quite there yet, in your sorrow. For instance, someone said that your lost ones stay with you for a bit then go away and just pop in from time to time-and I hate that. I don’t know if it is true, or that I believe that-but I hate that. I want her here always and how selfish is that-but I do. Then I think I need to let her go-and I can’t. That is why I think that I never said goodbye at the end. I just can’t. And then I think I just have to go on and try not to think about her-and then I feel like that would be an insult to our relationship. And then I wondered if I drove Sadie crazy, if she really just tolerated me. Why didn’t I press the vets more to find out what was going on just with one more test, etc?
But the bottom line is this, I think–Sadie is happy right now. She is free and she is with her beloved Keiligh and Maggie and even Bug. All I can do, when the sorrow sweeps over me at the odd moment, is stand there and miss her. I can’t doubt our relationship and her love. She would hate that. And she would hate me to be so broken down.
The holidays are hard. We used to love to walk around the Collection-a beautiful outdoor shopping area not far from our home. We used to walk there several times a week. I loved to take her there because she loved it so. She had holiday sweaters that she just loved to wear and show off. She had a light on her collar and when we walked at night there, people would admire her and pet her and talk about how beautiful she was-and I just loved that. She did too. It was our place-among other places she loved. SO it is hard right now because I don’t have a leash in my hands and my darling looking up at me with that smile.
I don’t talk to anyone about this, because honestly it is a bit of a drag to be around someone who cries so much. Even Tim doesn’t need this, and he is wonderful. It gets a bit stressful to hide, but it is what it is. I have to hide a bit right now. That is OK.
Another thing I have observed myself doing and I don’t quite get–I don’t know why I say the words ” I love you, Sadie” all the time. I do think she hears me, don’t get me wrong. I say it many times a day out load. As a matter of fact, I said it all the time when she was here visibly. I just do. I think she gets it, even if I don’t. That is what is important.
It is not easier yet, but I have passed the place where I want to just kind of go to sleep and not wake to the pain. I still weep when I wake up each morning, just a bit.
All I can do is stand here and miss you, Sadie. But I am so glad that you are happy and running and free with your dog mates. Really glad.
Love you, Sadie.
Remembering Sadie 