Sadie, just to be clear, is the best dog ever. Here she is with her cat, Yoda. She has two-Yoda and Mia. This is Yoda.
Sadie passed on Sunday August 26, 2018 around 5 pm. It’s the worst and I can’t stop crying. I don’t know if I ever will. Sade has been my friend in a way that no one else ever has. Yah I know – really? a dog?
Yes, really. This Dog. Let me explain a bit. Life has cut me hard and been challenging and very painful the last few years-and there is my girl, taking me on a walk to think, to breathe, to stop thinking. Just to be. She has been my darling since the beginnings. She feared leashes and 5 days after she came home to us, I was taking all 3 dogs down to the local pet store. As I got them to our car, Sadie broke away and ran out of the driveway, and gone. I ran after her to the bottom of our hill and screamed SADIE and sank to my knees, crying, sure that she would be gone, hit by a car on our busy street, gone. Suddenly she is running back to me and jumped into my lap and my heart, forever. And she has been there since, holding me close and I hold her close. We go everywhere together. Early daily mornings by the ocean. Late daily afternoons in downtown Ventura, then by the river in Camarillo-our own special walking place, just for us. Running errands, and taking her into any store I can. Walking around at The Collection outdoor shopping mall. Outings to the pet store, where she picks out what treat she wants with her teeth. Always waiting for me at home, rushing to the door-hell, lying in front of it so that I have to open the door slowly–and there is that wonderful nose and pair of eyes glad to see me. Going everywhere I could with her and yes, I boycotted stores that tossed us out (Buffalo Exchange) with a big fat grudge. She was challenging in her behaviour-she did NOT like other dogs who were not in her pack and would bark and go after them–although she didn’t know what to do if she actually got to them. I think she was really protective of me. She went to work with us everyday in the office since 2013-then with her buddy Keiligh also, who passed November 6, 2014 and broke her heart and mine. We stuck together then, and that is when Heaven sent us Yoda to comfort Sadie-fearless, loving curious Yoda the tiny runt of the litter kitty, who distracted Sadie from her sorrow as best she could and gave Sadie a new job, now that she no longer took care of Keiligh the elderly darling.
She came to us via a friend of a friend who heard we had border collies and would we take this one that just got rescued? Born October 29, 2004-five years younger than our youngest pup Keiligh and seven years younger than our pack leader, Maggie. AND that would make 3 dogs and Tim was not loving that idea-but Suzie said DO IT from DC–the other dogs are beginning to act like old ladies, she said-and this pup will wake them up maybe. I drove an hour to see her at her temp home and fell in love with this cheery, perky pup who would become my BIG BLACK DOG who I adored. And adore. Suzie flew home and we picked up Sadie and drove her home-poor girl was carsick all the way. She didn’t like driving then–or leashes, because that meant yet another home. What total jerks and how stupid people are that didn’t see how great this dog was! I never want to meet the woman who abused her. It would not be safe. But I am so glad that I got her. How lucky I am and Tim is–Sadie has his heart big time. And now our hearts are so broken. I don’t know if they will ever be whole again.
I am writing this to try to figure out how to live and to work out the thoughts and guilt about how she went. I am hot with terror that I may have taken away her days with our decision to euthanize and I so want to know that she is OK and happy and understands what we did and why and how hard it was to even think about doing it, and that she forgives us. That will sound odd unless you have been in this position. With Keiligh, we knew that she was asking us to let her go. She was tired and unwell. With Maggie, our first darling, it was taken out of our hands. In surgery-then a phone call that she was full of cancer, and please let her sleep on. With Sadie, her body broke in one area-she couldn’t pass urine because of a tumor and a large stone and her bladder would fill to crisis point. Agony for her and we race to vet to get a catheter in her-and she was very hard to catheterize, according to the vets. First we tried a medication to shrink the tumor, which the vet said was 99.9% sure was cancer-biopsy results still coming even now-and yay we got to bring her home after 5 days! So happy, even though after her enthusiasm ran down, she was super tired. She was happy and the kitties were too. Didn’t last 24 hours before she was back in crisis and in the hospital again. Now only two choices-euthanize or install a port that we would operate every few hours to let pee out. GREAT. We’re in-let’s do it. Overnight we realized–and talked to the vet. What about a dog like Sadie who tears at everything-border collie like-and how do we keep her from taking out her port with her teeth? Maybe a tee shirt, maybe binding-but most likely a hard cone for the rest of her life. We thought oh no, she will hate that. She will be miserable. She already spends time lying in the dark in a back bathroom often, and I wonder if she is in pain, if she is depressed, what? And I coax her out to join me in the living room if I can. But now I think, maybe we should have tried. Maybe she would have left it alone and we could have had a few more months with her and she could have had more time. Why didn’t we wait a few days more to think? Yes, she would have had to endure more time in the hospital away from us, and the surgery would be major and painful recovery and infections were very possible-but would it have been better? We let Keiligh suffer too long. Did we take away Sadie’s life too soon? The vets all said that this was a good thing to do, except one young male tech-I think he really was upset that we were doing this. That bothers me quite a bit. Why do I place more importance on this kids thoughts than the vets who all said euthanizing was appropriate? I am haunted. Sadie, I wish I could know where you are, how you are, what you are thinking. We love you so much and really wanted to do what was right for you-didn’t care about the money, didn’t care about taking care of you with a port or anything you needed. Hell, for the last two years, we have been taking you out once or twice to pee during the night most nights, very willingly. We would do that again always, darling. Whatever you need.
And this rainbow bridge stuff. Is that real? I would love that. I do think that Maggie came for Keiligh to lead her home when she died-I actually saw Maggie out of the corner of my eye a few days before K passed. I worry that this time, we jumped the gun and they were not there to lead her home. Sounds nuts, but I do worry about that. Sadie, are you there with Maggie and Keiligh and Bug now? Bug was Keiligh’s cat. And I MEAN Keiligh’s cat. Keiligh took care of Bug and Bug loved loved her doggie Keiligh. And that’s another story.
When we had to euthanize Bug, Tim held her while the vet did it, and when we looked up later, Tim was sitting in a chair that had a picture of a dog that looked EXACTLY like Keiligh on the wall above them.
Like this:
So, I have to conclude that we have had experiences that give validity to this idea that our darlings are around us somehow.
But-back to this- did they know that Sadie was coming and did they connect? I guess what I am struggling with is this:
did we follow what was meant to be, or did we jump the gun? Was Sunday her day or did we act out of our agony? Was it her time or did we misjudge, and we should have tried other ways? I confess, I am tormented.
Everyone I talk to says “don’t do this to yourself” but I don’t know how to turn this worry off. I just love her and wanted everything good for her. Was it? Or did I rob her of more time to continue her love of life? I can’t figure this out right now. I can’t see clearly. Help.
Remembering Sadie 